3 Facts about anger - Anger and our needs and expectations
by: Zoe Dunn
Why do we get angry?
Anger is generally caused when our needs are not fulfilled and when we’re not understood.
Really anger is the last of the 3 reactions: Firstly, we feel sadness because we’re not being understood. Secondly, we feel afraid that this situation could be permanent and that our partner will not ever understand us, so consequently we can’t change things. Thirdly, (the third emotion), we feel anger because our expectations and needs haven’t been understood.
|
|
But, really what is anger?
Anger often is associated with pain, like when something doesn’t go well with our organism, when you’re ill, hurt, wounded, etc. It’s the look that we give ourselves and our relationships with others.
Anger is the voice of our subconscious, telling us that one of our needs hasn’t been fulfilled.
|
Which needs could they be?
The need to be listened to and understood.
Lack of time is the culprit for the majority of conflicts in relationships. With the hustle and bustle of everyday life we don’t have enough time to communicate between ourselves, for conversation.
To talk about needs and common expectations. To listen to and understand.
The necessity for validation.
When we finally find time for conversation- frequently occurs that, there’s something lacking in the mutual communication.
Often there’s a lack of validation, that is to say the certainty of understanding the actual situation and from this way demonstrates it to others that all they do or say is logical and makes sense to you (or even when you don’t have the same opinions, it seems quite rational to you).Validation allows us to view another person, without judging him/her and without contempt to his/her behavior and reactions. (In psychology and human communication, validation is the communication of respect for a communicational partner, which involves the acknowledgement that the other’s opinions are legitimate)
The need for security
It is one of the characteristic needs in a happy couple; the need for security is the main cause of conflicts between couples. When our expectations are not fulfilled, and when we have some needs which are not satisfied- we don’t feel secure.
Hence, we react in a negative way and instead of seeing out partner as an ally, we see him/her as an enemy. Obviously we do it in most cases without realizing, unconsciously.
Anger and security.
We are conscious that the anger of our partner has its source in the sensation of insecurity. So we should drive all our efforts into understanding this phenomena and how it influences the relationship. Knowing that the lack of security is a caused by not satisfying the expectations and needs of our partner, we know that we need to work to improve this situation.
We think, what is it that we need? What does our partner need? What is it that we expect from one another? It’s worth talking about it, writing it on a piece of paper and putting it in a visible place.
When you don’t feel secure, your reactions are incomprehensible and meaningless.
When you are angry, direct all your attention to what you feel in this moment to the insecurity which is ruling your head. Don’t react irrationally it doesn’t solve anything; it only tells you that you should find the source of the anger.
The source of anger frequently exists in the expectations, needs and the security and means that there’s some problem related with common communication. When you feel calm, speak to your partner about the matter, be honest, and express your opinions calmly. This sort of conversation can strengthen the relationship.
Why should I satisfy the expectations of my partner?
Because it is our responsibility to satisfy minimum-daily dosis of validation and security of our partner J
In this consists the stability of one relationship, small details have great importance on happiness and duration of one couple.
Can one find something positive in anger?
Only a few of us would see something positive in anger, however it has a very important function in life.
When we feel ourselves under the effects of anger- we can feel a strong influence of this emotion on the brain. Concentrate all our thoughts only on one subject. We take notice of the strength reserves that sleep inside us. Our anger happens to be the force that arms us with courage to confront ourselves with fright and frustration.
Besides, anger is like pain, it tells us that we need to take some remedial action. Pain is not pleasant, however frequently it converts itself into one stimulus which leads us to start the treatment.
How do we control anger?
Many people don’t know how to release anger without hurting somebody, and regularly accompany anger with aggressiveness. We believe that if we get angry someone could suffer for it, so we react in two ways:
- We suppress the anger within because we’re afraid that we could hurt someone. Suppressing anger isn’t the best way to feel secures, and with time leads to isolation and distancing between the couple. Suppression of anger in the long run can cause multiple somatic illnesses and deep stress.
- We explode; we express the anger in an
uncontrollable and abrupt fashion.
Both reactions are not the most suitable.
If you want to build a strong and stable relationship, choose the third optionJ. So you can centre all your attention on the source of the anger, reflect on what you expect from the other, on the common needs and above all, how to strengthen the feeling of security within the couple. It is most important to discuss things in an atmosphere of calm, mutual understanding and love.
You should see your partner like you best ally, as a person that loves you, that worries about you, and when you’re not there-misses you.
Remember that it’s always you who chooses the attitude to take in any moment and situation, always choosing the most suitable.
“Love is the choice that you make from moment to moment”
Barbara De Angelis.
I hope that this article can help you in improving and optimsing your communication with other people, and happy reading!
Zoe Dunn
 Spanish version >>
|
